I have been doing sexuality
education workshops since 1989. In one particular workshop, I focused on the
idea of sex being a skill. One participant reacted very strongly against that
idea. It was as though sex and sexuality could not possibly be anything other
than natural or innate. I’ve been thinking about this reaction for some time
now and reflecting on it in light of my experiences with learning a couple of
skills as an adult.
One of the things I am most proud of
is learning how to swim in my 30s. As a child living on a family farm, I heard
stories of children being thrown off a boat by their siblings and told to swim—which
they did. To the storytellers, my siblings, that was proof that swimming was
natural. I was only grateful they didn’t throw me in the water. Instead, I was taught, mostly by my mother, to be
afraid that if I attempted to learn to swim, I would drown.
As an adult dealing with the
intense fear messages I had learned, I didn’t find that swimming came
naturally. In fact, it was a very steep learning process to release the fears
and learn the skills. It is hard to float when you are afraid. I am not the
best swimmer today by any stretch; I think that some people have a natural
ability to float and that it would have been easier for me to learn to swim as
a child. But more important are all the other factors that affect my potential
to tap into a natural ability, whether it’s about swimming or sex.
The fear in my brain was the
biggest obstacle. The messages I’d heard, the stories I’d been told and my lack
of experience were as much a part of my learning (and unlearning) as any
inherent natural ability in my body to float in the water. But knowing when to
breathe and synching my movements with my breathing are skills I had to learn
regardless of any innate ability to swim. When I learned to swim, I took
classes and had teachers. I had to practice in real life, in a swimming pool. I
couldn’t just read about it or watch a video.
To use a different example: I
learned how to ride a bicycle as a child. Whether or not balancing on a bicycle
is innate or learned, I will let you decide. Just as I had developed the fear
of water and swimming, the fear of cars was instilled within me in as large
proportion. I had twelve siblings growing up, and most of them were older.
Unfortunately, drinking and car accidents were common in my family; one
accident left one of my brothers paralyzed from the waist down. So once again I
learned, mostly from my mother, to be very afraid of car accidents. It didn’t
help to be in my first car accident as a passenger at the age of fourteen; I
was left with broken teeth and a broken left wrist. Having had at least one
other very serious car accident as an adult, which left me with a severe neck
injury, I appreciate the damage that can be done to my body if I am in a car
accident while in a car, much less on a bicycle.
Moving through the fear as an adult
and getting on the bicycle in a city was and is no small thing. And just
because I learned how to balance on a bicycle as a child did not mean I didn’t
have a lot more to learn as an adult. There were no stop signs on the farm.
I give the swimming and bicycle
riding examples because I think the same thing happens with sex. If we learn
that masturbation is a sin, as I did growing up Catholic, it has an effect on
our sexuality. Whatever might come instinctively as part of a sexual experience
presupposes that I have body awareness and openness to sexuality. Having body
acceptance did not happen until my adulthood. I know many of us have struggled
at some point in our lives with being present in our minds, emotions and
bodies.
So how do we learn the skill of
sex? Or how do we unlearn fear of sex, as I unlearned some of my fear of water
and cars? Pretty much the same way we learn anything: We can read and research
the topic. We can ask our friends or a professional. We can learn from watching
a video. And we can learn sex by doing—by having sex.
There are ways to learn to be
present in our emotions and body that are nonsexual in nature but can be
helpful in sexual situations as well. Anything I do to increase my self-esteem
or self-acceptance will also allow for increased self-esteem in sex and
sexuality. After all, our sexuality is not separate from our minds, emotions
and body awareness. Anything I do to enhance my emotions will allow for more
emotional capacity in love, relationships and sexuality as well. When I learn
to communicate appreciation and care in all relationships or how to communicate
through a conflict, I can use those same skills when talking about sex.
I do recognize some of the inherent
or natural aspects of sex and sexuality. If we have the foundation of body
awareness or trust in ourselves and/or a partner, we can feel pleasure and may
intuitively touch a certain way or respond sexually in some natural way, such
as instinctively doing a rocking motion with our pelvis. But trust may need to
be reestablished if it’s been broken for whatever reason. Many people can
benefit from exercises and learning to increase their body awareness, and
practical information on sex and sexuality can help enhance pleasure for many
people.
If sex was only a skill, I would
probably not be as interested in it as an education topic. I would consider it
boring and technical, and it certainly would not have been one of the main
focuses of my work for over twenty years. I cherish all of the creativity,
humanness, flow and spontaneity of sex as it can exist in our minds, emotions
and bodies. I appreciate the art of communication and building trust, of
learning to let go when alone or with another person. I value the changes and
growth and even naturalness of sex. If we really believe sex is natural, one
place to start to honor that belief is to support, rather than shut down,
children’s innate tendency to masturbate and explore their bodies. And if we
acknowledge that sex is also a skill, we can get as good at it as we choose and
still honor all of its creative mystery.
First Published on Good Vibrations
Magazine, June 22, 2012
Copyright 2012 by
Susan Miranda. All
rights reserved. No part of this writing may be reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,
without permission in writing from the copyright holder. For reprint
permission, email miranda_susan@yahoo.com.
